To you, to me...

(I'm really just going to write this blog to all the ones who I want to, but am not necessarily going to talk to.
Let it be a storehouse of my thoughts that sometimes can be just for me.
A journal, but via the computer, because it will never burn in a fire, nor be inaccessible by most locations.
And because I type faster.)

A blog is an online journal anyway. But this one isn't supposed to be known or public.
For me. And those who love me.

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Title: What You Probably Don't Know Right Now

Jesus has impeccable, if not frustrating, timing.

Of course within the very day we cease our communication "until Jesus tells you to talk to me again" I have a feeling of dire need to talk to someone.
- I got sick again. Silly MRSA in my silly body.
But this one is so weird. It's so unlike any of the other cases.
- And then I've been in increasing constant pain for a time, since the weather is dry and my skin is KILLING ME it's so irritated. I have super heavy duty lotion that I slather on and on and on.
Not even 20 minutes later my legs are so dry.
I'm starting to take fish oil just to help it.
- And speaking of taking things, I just finally had to make a chart of all the things I need to take PER DAY.
There are currently 9 supplements or antibiotics I must take daily. Ooof.
Big oooof.
And it's rather poochy.
- Then I've been really missing Biola.
Like a tooth that won't stop aching but the doctors can't fix or make better or make it go away. It's there like a dull ache, threatening to swallow up your day. AND I DON'T WANT IT TO! I KNOW I don't live at Biola. I may never go there again. I'm only hoping to in March if Jesus wills it!!!!!
And I DON'T want it to ruin my day to day because it's not where Jesus has me. HERE is where he has me.
I just don't know what to do with missing a people so much.
- And then I'm kinda bummed out about the replacement of community. I mean, really. I can't think of many, if any, relationships right now I have with people dwelling in the Body that are actually edifying!!!
I miss deep discussion about life that simultaneously matter and don't matter.
I miss my guy friends.
I miss my sisters and brothers. I miss my mentors.
I miss being pushed and stretched through RELATIONSHIP. I miss theological conversations.
Why does no one in the real world want to ever talk well?
I miss people my age. But moreather I miss people that love Jesus openly. Who love Jesus well.
My community certainly isn't infested by Jesus loves. ESPECIALLY in the places where there really should be some.
- So being sick, missing people, and feeling isolated with a lacking in the good-community department
all surfacing AFTER I don't get to talk to you anymore.
And I won't. I really won't talk to you.
But you're all around. I know you're out there. Eating, breathing, walking, talking, alive.
I have no idea if you're thinking of me. But I'm just waiting here. Waiting for when, if ever, you'll be "allowed by Jesus" to come back in. (half those words sound like a song of mine....)

And I miss you. Gosh darnit.
I do.

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And guess what I see Jesus doing?
Removing the things I rely on, even the good gifts from him, to have to really, really rely on Him.
When I'm sick and tired and in pain and frustrated with myself and my life and my circumstances, when I'm feeling foolish and irritated and lonely and feeling like a disappointment or a big glob to my parents or siblings or friends or coworkers or employers. When all those things happen, I have to learn to be with him. To not be lonely. To be with Jesus.
Golly.
I don't even know how. I don't know where to start.

So the desert keeps coming to mind. Specifically in Hosea 2.
The desert is where YHWH brings the unfaithful wife out to, strips her bear, and then woos and allures her.
Wow.
I kind of want that.
And maybe that's this season.
Maybe.
But it's painful.

Talked with Lauren Wilk last night. At least she can, in confidence, say that this season won't last forever. And that all the things I'll be learning will be really, really good.
As for me, I just REALLY want to learn what ever I need to learn and then change seasons. ;)
It sounds nice.

PS:
And besides all those hard things that would be nice to confide in someone about,
I would also delight in sharing with you the joys of getting to see my brother again.
Or relishing the moment when my sister confided something to ME today
Or how cute I looked last night
Or my awkward work Christmas party that was getting to be fun
Or my really amazing Spirit-lead conversation with Lauren last night
Or how I got to rest yesterday.
Or how kick butt awesome my gift collages are turning out
Or how I discovered old dresses of my mom's Mary Kay days and how they fit me PERFECTLY!
Or how I got to watch my cousin's graduation via the internet, but at Biola.
Or really good things like that. ;)